Gosh I hadn't realised it had been so long since I felt like writing. Well school is out and I have been messing around with my new phone and playing scrabble on FB. It actually occurred to me this very minute (looking at my dismal stats) that a few short months ago I would have been Very upset by the fact that I have lost more games than I have won. I have always been a fierce competitor and while able to be held wholly accountable for lots of things, there are lots of things that over time have remained elusive. I am talking about things that I can't seem to control. Like my weight, I have always been big, eating is just something I do. I am a compulsive eater and often don't even realise that I have eaten something - so bad is the compulsion to stuff something in my mouth. Boredom is not an excuse because at my busiest I am still able to shove something in. Of course now that I have reached my forties (URG!) the health issues start. Blood pressure up and sugar levels up, and what's the cause - my weight! So now like it or not I have to loose a few kilograms.
Dieting for me is the hardest thing because just the word makes me feel somehow deprived. Although never gone hungry a day in my life, thank God! Will power is again something that has eluded me and if I am honest it all boils down to the fact that I am so afraid of failing at something, I'd rather not even give it a go. It could also be because every other time I have attempted to loose a few kilograms it has taken so much time and energy for results that are so short term that after a litte while I am all the way back up and over my original weight. You know when I think about myself it is never with a sense of any achievement. I often feel that I have failed to impress the people I love the most. My dad once said that "I carry my weight very well." This is one of the nicest things he has ever said. I took it as a compliment as I am sure that is how he meant it. I have never really let my weight stop me from trying things and often I have exceeded even my own expectations. Today I am asking why it's always so hard trying to break bad habits and so easy to form new ones?
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Sunday, 15 January 2012
It's about a life worth living
This has been a very difficult week for me, the first major event has happened in Johannesburg and I have not been able to go home and be with the people I love. I have felt lonely and isolated, but at the same time I have just had to get on with it.
Most of you know and have sent your wishes and condolences to the family of Avis Zock and even though I did send a message for the funeral there has been so much more to say. It is not like this is the first time I have lost a beloved Aunt, first Aunty B' and then Aunty Ray and while both of these fabulous women were very special and both taught me very different things about life, the one who was always there was Aunty A'.
Growing up it seems the only family that would "put up" with all us rowdy Dullisears' was Aunty A and Av and Auds and then of cause Kel.
They came to us and we went to them and it was Aunty A' who always encouraged us to pursue our talents, it was she who encouraged my sister to sing and it was she who spent hours upon hours sewing costumes for school plays. It was on her insistence that we had a Sunday afternoon floor show, Lolly would be the lead singer with Auds, Ryan and I as the back up singers and dancers, and she loved Ryan's "Greased Lighting" and we would sing and dance and LAUGH. I don't think we laugh like that anymore, life has become far to serious.
When I spoke to my Mom yesterday she said that they had been at the hospital and Aunty A had spent a long time holding my Dad's hand. That is because they were always good friends, between husbands and boyfriends, it was my dad who would accompany Aunty A to her work Christmas parties. My mom reminded me that she and my dad are married almost 50 years and so this is how long Avis and Daddy have been friends, friends because they had so many things in common, my dad loves singing and dancing and at 75 years old can still jive up a storm.
It's so hard to sit here and write about a life that has faded but as you all know I think death is only the beginning and several times this week when thinking about Aunty A I have felt her presence and smelt her cigarette smoke (and I know it's her because no one smokes in our home and it's winter so all the windows are closed). So in the spirit on Aunty A I have today embraced my talent and know that she is looking on and she is proud of me. Before I end I must just say that I had a dream about being in a car with all my Aunties, B' was driving, Ray in the front and A' and I in the back, don't ask me where we were going but damn we were having fun, racing down the road and laughing and laughing. There is no doubt that those sister are having a glorious time!
One thing that has to be said only because it is so obvious is that Aunty A' lived a life full of love, with everything that money cannot buy, she made wherever she stayed a HOME, everyone whoever met her were her FRIENDS, she gave so much of herself and yet never showed any resentment. She gave selflessly and loved honestly and she most certainly lived a life - worth living.
In love and light
Most of you know and have sent your wishes and condolences to the family of Avis Zock and even though I did send a message for the funeral there has been so much more to say. It is not like this is the first time I have lost a beloved Aunt, first Aunty B' and then Aunty Ray and while both of these fabulous women were very special and both taught me very different things about life, the one who was always there was Aunty A'.
Growing up it seems the only family that would "put up" with all us rowdy Dullisears' was Aunty A and Av and Auds and then of cause Kel.
They came to us and we went to them and it was Aunty A' who always encouraged us to pursue our talents, it was she who encouraged my sister to sing and it was she who spent hours upon hours sewing costumes for school plays. It was on her insistence that we had a Sunday afternoon floor show, Lolly would be the lead singer with Auds, Ryan and I as the back up singers and dancers, and she loved Ryan's "Greased Lighting" and we would sing and dance and LAUGH. I don't think we laugh like that anymore, life has become far to serious.
When I spoke to my Mom yesterday she said that they had been at the hospital and Aunty A had spent a long time holding my Dad's hand. That is because they were always good friends, between husbands and boyfriends, it was my dad who would accompany Aunty A to her work Christmas parties. My mom reminded me that she and my dad are married almost 50 years and so this is how long Avis and Daddy have been friends, friends because they had so many things in common, my dad loves singing and dancing and at 75 years old can still jive up a storm.
It's so hard to sit here and write about a life that has faded but as you all know I think death is only the beginning and several times this week when thinking about Aunty A I have felt her presence and smelt her cigarette smoke (and I know it's her because no one smokes in our home and it's winter so all the windows are closed). So in the spirit on Aunty A I have today embraced my talent and know that she is looking on and she is proud of me. Before I end I must just say that I had a dream about being in a car with all my Aunties, B' was driving, Ray in the front and A' and I in the back, don't ask me where we were going but damn we were having fun, racing down the road and laughing and laughing. There is no doubt that those sister are having a glorious time!
One thing that has to be said only because it is so obvious is that Aunty A' lived a life full of love, with everything that money cannot buy, she made wherever she stayed a HOME, everyone whoever met her were her FRIENDS, she gave so much of herself and yet never showed any resentment. She gave selflessly and loved honestly and she most certainly lived a life - worth living.
In love and light
Friday, 25 November 2011
It's all about dignity
Hello
My cousin in Johannesburg put a comment on FB today about hoping her son would do the same for her as Sean Davison did for his mother, ie assist in her death.
While I believe that all life is precious, I must agree with her. Working in an old folks home and seeing people with healthy minds and ailing bodies is the worst thing in the world. People who are no longer in control of their bodily functions, people who have no choice but to rely on others for the most basic needs of cleanliness and feeding. There is no dignity in dying in a room, where there is no love or compassion.
The reality of the old age home business is for the bed to be occupied, this is the same in any institutional environment. The fact that Sean Davison's mother wanted to die at home (at 83 years of age and riddled with cancer) is a very normal and dignified thing to want. Isn't it the way we'd all love to go, happy, and warm in our own homes surrounded by the things and people we love?
I am sure all the pro-lifers out there are saying how can you be a Christian and believe in euthanasia or even abortion? Well it's very easy to justify actually, the greatest gift we were given by God is free-will, the power to choose and make decisions about our lives.
While I personally do not believe in abortion, I understand the need for such a procedure, and in all honesty as a Christian who am I to judge the choices of another?
Also as a Christian I believe that I should have the choice to die in my own way, with a dignity and I have spoken to Rob about what I would want if something so bad happened that I would be unable to wash, feed or toilet myself (regardless of my age).
My only hope though is that as hard as that decision would be for the ones you love, there would be some law allowing them to assist you without fear of being tried for murder. Someone who loves you, and is willing to end your life regardless of the penalty is a very brave someone and I believe that since God is a good and gracious Father who loves us, this most selfless act can only ever be forgiven.
In love and light.
My cousin in Johannesburg put a comment on FB today about hoping her son would do the same for her as Sean Davison did for his mother, ie assist in her death.
While I believe that all life is precious, I must agree with her. Working in an old folks home and seeing people with healthy minds and ailing bodies is the worst thing in the world. People who are no longer in control of their bodily functions, people who have no choice but to rely on others for the most basic needs of cleanliness and feeding. There is no dignity in dying in a room, where there is no love or compassion.
The reality of the old age home business is for the bed to be occupied, this is the same in any institutional environment. The fact that Sean Davison's mother wanted to die at home (at 83 years of age and riddled with cancer) is a very normal and dignified thing to want. Isn't it the way we'd all love to go, happy, and warm in our own homes surrounded by the things and people we love?
I am sure all the pro-lifers out there are saying how can you be a Christian and believe in euthanasia or even abortion? Well it's very easy to justify actually, the greatest gift we were given by God is free-will, the power to choose and make decisions about our lives.
While I personally do not believe in abortion, I understand the need for such a procedure, and in all honesty as a Christian who am I to judge the choices of another?
Also as a Christian I believe that I should have the choice to die in my own way, with a dignity and I have spoken to Rob about what I would want if something so bad happened that I would be unable to wash, feed or toilet myself (regardless of my age).
My only hope though is that as hard as that decision would be for the ones you love, there would be some law allowing them to assist you without fear of being tried for murder. Someone who loves you, and is willing to end your life regardless of the penalty is a very brave someone and I believe that since God is a good and gracious Father who loves us, this most selfless act can only ever be forgiven.
In love and light.
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
It's all about family
Hello Again
I just needed to share this with you. Rob went for lunch at Kieran's school today (I went the last time) so after eating lunch Kieran asks Rob if he will fetch him, Rob says no because he is going to fetch Cheyenne on her bicycle - something I refuse to do. Anyway he says to him that I will fetch him as usual, and he says okay and he also says tell Mum I love her.
So Rob duly tells me that my son loves me and I say to him as I have often done that Kieran will NEVER really understand how much he is loved. He will never know the extent to which he is loved, because after losing Jonathan and then having him born early and in Neonatal ICU for 6 weeks, I felt as though a huge of piece of my soul was lying in that incubator with him. I got up early everyday to be at the hospital for his 6am feed, Rob would come straight from work and we'd stay so we could do his 9pm feed, and we were just settling into an acceptance of what our lives had become, watching our son grow and get stronger but his little lungs just not getting him enough oxygen.
Then miraculously one day I go into the unit and he is lying in an open cot, away from the incubator that had been his bed for 6 weeks, and I hear the fabulous words that he is off all oxygen and come home.
Then 2 days short of a year later we are blessed with a big, beautiful and perfectly healthy little girl. She is loved as much as Kieran but there is always in the back of my mind the fact that had it not been for a fabulous team of doctors and nurses we might never have gotten to know Kieran and he like our Jonathan may have been lost to us forever.
So today I am grateful for my family, two beautiful children in this realm, one, an angel living in my heart, my husband who's proved how strong our love really is by always being there. Then of course are the rest my wonderful mother and amazing father, my darling sister and beautiful girls. My brothers so weird (or should that be eccentric?) I love them all and even though most of them are 11000 miles away, they are all with me right here, right now as I write.
In love and light.
I just needed to share this with you. Rob went for lunch at Kieran's school today (I went the last time) so after eating lunch Kieran asks Rob if he will fetch him, Rob says no because he is going to fetch Cheyenne on her bicycle - something I refuse to do. Anyway he says to him that I will fetch him as usual, and he says okay and he also says tell Mum I love her.
So Rob duly tells me that my son loves me and I say to him as I have often done that Kieran will NEVER really understand how much he is loved. He will never know the extent to which he is loved, because after losing Jonathan and then having him born early and in Neonatal ICU for 6 weeks, I felt as though a huge of piece of my soul was lying in that incubator with him. I got up early everyday to be at the hospital for his 6am feed, Rob would come straight from work and we'd stay so we could do his 9pm feed, and we were just settling into an acceptance of what our lives had become, watching our son grow and get stronger but his little lungs just not getting him enough oxygen.
Then miraculously one day I go into the unit and he is lying in an open cot, away from the incubator that had been his bed for 6 weeks, and I hear the fabulous words that he is off all oxygen and come home.
Then 2 days short of a year later we are blessed with a big, beautiful and perfectly healthy little girl. She is loved as much as Kieran but there is always in the back of my mind the fact that had it not been for a fabulous team of doctors and nurses we might never have gotten to know Kieran and he like our Jonathan may have been lost to us forever.
So today I am grateful for my family, two beautiful children in this realm, one, an angel living in my heart, my husband who's proved how strong our love really is by always being there. Then of course are the rest my wonderful mother and amazing father, my darling sister and beautiful girls. My brothers so weird (or should that be eccentric?) I love them all and even though most of them are 11000 miles away, they are all with me right here, right now as I write.
In love and light.
Monday, 21 November 2011
It's all about faith
Well hello again
It's been a while since I decided to actually write anything and today seemed like a good time to try. In the last few weeks I have started my new job, which is going really great, Rob has survived the dreaded retrenchment process once again. I'm hoping this is because he is a diligent, and loyal worker who in all honesty has NEVER called in sick.
Also I have left my part time job and actually managed to sit in church yesterday and as usual the message seemed to be directed at me. This seems to happen more often than not, and since I don't believe that coincidences occur, it must mean that I am hearing what I need to hear to confirm my faith.
Those of you who know me, know that I go to church because being in a foreign country with no immediate (my own) family around me, it allows me a sense of community and family.
So yesterday I was told to get off the fence, choose to live in faith as a Christian or not but either way make a decision. I was then lucky enough to get to chat to one of the church elders and mentioned that the message seemed just for me and we chatted and then we prayed and it is amazing, after a few basic yet powerful words I know that once again my faith is secure.
I have realised that faith like everything else that is good, needs to be nurtured, it needs to be reinforced and fed everyday.
Zig Ziglar says that motivation is like bathing you need to do it daily, well so is faith. Today I choose to feed my faith. I have said a little prayer I am announcing to all that I am a Christian and proud and I am no longer hiding my light under a bushel.
It's also great that I have come to this realisation at a time of the year when we can't help feeling happy and joyous, so regardless of whether you are a Christian or not get ready for a season on love and joy and hopefully a full renewing of your faith in whatever it is you choose to believe.
In love and light
It's been a while since I decided to actually write anything and today seemed like a good time to try. In the last few weeks I have started my new job, which is going really great, Rob has survived the dreaded retrenchment process once again. I'm hoping this is because he is a diligent, and loyal worker who in all honesty has NEVER called in sick.
Also I have left my part time job and actually managed to sit in church yesterday and as usual the message seemed to be directed at me. This seems to happen more often than not, and since I don't believe that coincidences occur, it must mean that I am hearing what I need to hear to confirm my faith.
Those of you who know me, know that I go to church because being in a foreign country with no immediate (my own) family around me, it allows me a sense of community and family.
So yesterday I was told to get off the fence, choose to live in faith as a Christian or not but either way make a decision. I was then lucky enough to get to chat to one of the church elders and mentioned that the message seemed just for me and we chatted and then we prayed and it is amazing, after a few basic yet powerful words I know that once again my faith is secure.
I have realised that faith like everything else that is good, needs to be nurtured, it needs to be reinforced and fed everyday.
Zig Ziglar says that motivation is like bathing you need to do it daily, well so is faith. Today I choose to feed my faith. I have said a little prayer I am announcing to all that I am a Christian and proud and I am no longer hiding my light under a bushel.
It's also great that I have come to this realisation at a time of the year when we can't help feeling happy and joyous, so regardless of whether you are a Christian or not get ready for a season on love and joy and hopefully a full renewing of your faith in whatever it is you choose to believe.
In love and light
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
It's about having everything you need.
Hello again
Well my hubby has just e-mailed me a news report that says the company he works for needs to cut another 2400 jobs (at least) to start saving some money. It's crazy but he has survived several of these cuts and now chatting to him on the phone he is not worried and the crazy part is that I am not afraid either.
I believe that whatever happens we will be fine. There is a book called "A Course in Miracles" it is supposed to be a book written by the Holy Spirit. I read it quite a while ago and while there is lots about the book I don't remember there is one phrase that I do remember and it's this "God has given me everything I need." You know what? I have everything I need. I am the first to admit that there is much I would like to have, but when all is said and done, I DO have everything I need. I am loved, I have arms, legs, eyes and ears. I have two beautiful children and a family who care about me and love me.
Once again it all boils down to being grateful for what you do have. This does not however mean that I don't want lots of other things, but I am happy to continue believing that everything I want is being manifested especially for me.
Keep the faith! I'll share a little titbit with you. I was watching telly and saw a show on lottery winners, one woman won $112 000 000.00 (onehundred and twelve Million Dollars) she put the number under her pillow, literally slept on it. She won the jackpot.
So I figure hey if it worked for her then why can't it work for me? So I put a number on the back of a picture, pop it in an envelope and stick it into my pillow case.
When the big day came and I did not win, I reached into my pillow case and took out the piece of paper, I showed it to my hubby and sniggered accordingly, and you know what my wonderful (and I thought cynical) husband did, he put it back into my pillow case and told me to "Keep the dream alive". So for months I have been sleeping with a note and number under my pillow because I am keeping OUR dream alive and you know what else? It doesn't matter now how long it takes to win as long as we are dreaming of a future that includes having everything we need.
In love and light
Tracey
Well my hubby has just e-mailed me a news report that says the company he works for needs to cut another 2400 jobs (at least) to start saving some money. It's crazy but he has survived several of these cuts and now chatting to him on the phone he is not worried and the crazy part is that I am not afraid either.
I believe that whatever happens we will be fine. There is a book called "A Course in Miracles" it is supposed to be a book written by the Holy Spirit. I read it quite a while ago and while there is lots about the book I don't remember there is one phrase that I do remember and it's this "God has given me everything I need." You know what? I have everything I need. I am the first to admit that there is much I would like to have, but when all is said and done, I DO have everything I need. I am loved, I have arms, legs, eyes and ears. I have two beautiful children and a family who care about me and love me.
Once again it all boils down to being grateful for what you do have. This does not however mean that I don't want lots of other things, but I am happy to continue believing that everything I want is being manifested especially for me.
Keep the faith! I'll share a little titbit with you. I was watching telly and saw a show on lottery winners, one woman won $112 000 000.00 (onehundred and twelve Million Dollars) she put the number under her pillow, literally slept on it. She won the jackpot.
So I figure hey if it worked for her then why can't it work for me? So I put a number on the back of a picture, pop it in an envelope and stick it into my pillow case.
When the big day came and I did not win, I reached into my pillow case and took out the piece of paper, I showed it to my hubby and sniggered accordingly, and you know what my wonderful (and I thought cynical) husband did, he put it back into my pillow case and told me to "Keep the dream alive". So for months I have been sleeping with a note and number under my pillow because I am keeping OUR dream alive and you know what else? It doesn't matter now how long it takes to win as long as we are dreaming of a future that includes having everything we need.
In love and light
Tracey
Wednesday, 19 October 2011
It's all about moving forward.
Good Evening
Well, I have once again been hiding in my books and while they all talk about, thinking about what you want, being grateful for what you have and feeling deserving of everything you want (yes I believe it all). Unfotunately for me they also say that you need to persue your passion and those of you who know my writings know that I have quite simply NOT discovered my passion.
Earlier this week I had a great chat (about 45 minutes - long distance) with my darling sister, it's amazing how she always knows exactly what to and generally it boils down to ME. I was feeling rather guilty about several things and some of these things are years and years old, Lolly gave me advice based on her own success and when I laughed and said I feel bad because it's ALWAYS about me and you know she said that that was OK. It was about time it became all about me, we are so often upset by other people, what they said or did or what they did not say or do, and we obsess about the things/ problems of others.
If I am to move forward it has to be about me. I have to love me, I have to know that I am worthy, I have to take care of my body, I have to spend my time meditating and sorting my things out. So it's not about being selfish or self absorbed it's about learning exactly who you are and what you want and as I move forward, making it all about me, then I will find my passion and I will be able to give more of myself to others because there will be so much more of myself to share.
In love and light
Tracey
Well, I have once again been hiding in my books and while they all talk about, thinking about what you want, being grateful for what you have and feeling deserving of everything you want (yes I believe it all). Unfotunately for me they also say that you need to persue your passion and those of you who know my writings know that I have quite simply NOT discovered my passion.
Earlier this week I had a great chat (about 45 minutes - long distance) with my darling sister, it's amazing how she always knows exactly what to and generally it boils down to ME. I was feeling rather guilty about several things and some of these things are years and years old, Lolly gave me advice based on her own success and when I laughed and said I feel bad because it's ALWAYS about me and you know she said that that was OK. It was about time it became all about me, we are so often upset by other people, what they said or did or what they did not say or do, and we obsess about the things/ problems of others.
If I am to move forward it has to be about me. I have to love me, I have to know that I am worthy, I have to take care of my body, I have to spend my time meditating and sorting my things out. So it's not about being selfish or self absorbed it's about learning exactly who you are and what you want and as I move forward, making it all about me, then I will find my passion and I will be able to give more of myself to others because there will be so much more of myself to share.
In love and light
Tracey
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