Gosh I hadn't realised it had been so long since I felt like writing. Well school is out and I have been messing around with my new phone and playing scrabble on FB. It actually occurred to me this very minute (looking at my dismal stats) that a few short months ago I would have been Very upset by the fact that I have lost more games than I have won. I have always been a fierce competitor and while able to be held wholly accountable for lots of things, there are lots of things that over time have remained elusive. I am talking about things that I can't seem to control. Like my weight, I have always been big, eating is just something I do. I am a compulsive eater and often don't even realise that I have eaten something - so bad is the compulsion to stuff something in my mouth. Boredom is not an excuse because at my busiest I am still able to shove something in. Of course now that I have reached my forties (URG!) the health issues start. Blood pressure up and sugar levels up, and what's the cause - my weight! So now like it or not I have to loose a few kilograms.
Dieting for me is the hardest thing because just the word makes me feel somehow deprived. Although never gone hungry a day in my life, thank God! Will power is again something that has eluded me and if I am honest it all boils down to the fact that I am so afraid of failing at something, I'd rather not even give it a go. It could also be because every other time I have attempted to loose a few kilograms it has taken so much time and energy for results that are so short term that after a litte while I am all the way back up and over my original weight. You know when I think about myself it is never with a sense of any achievement. I often feel that I have failed to impress the people I love the most. My dad once said that "I carry my weight very well." This is one of the nicest things he has ever said. I took it as a compliment as I am sure that is how he meant it. I have never really let my weight stop me from trying things and often I have exceeded even my own expectations. Today I am asking why it's always so hard trying to break bad habits and so easy to form new ones?
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Sunday, 15 January 2012
It's about a life worth living
This has been a very difficult week for me, the first major event has happened in Johannesburg and I have not been able to go home and be with the people I love. I have felt lonely and isolated, but at the same time I have just had to get on with it.
Most of you know and have sent your wishes and condolences to the family of Avis Zock and even though I did send a message for the funeral there has been so much more to say. It is not like this is the first time I have lost a beloved Aunt, first Aunty B' and then Aunty Ray and while both of these fabulous women were very special and both taught me very different things about life, the one who was always there was Aunty A'.
Growing up it seems the only family that would "put up" with all us rowdy Dullisears' was Aunty A and Av and Auds and then of cause Kel.
They came to us and we went to them and it was Aunty A' who always encouraged us to pursue our talents, it was she who encouraged my sister to sing and it was she who spent hours upon hours sewing costumes for school plays. It was on her insistence that we had a Sunday afternoon floor show, Lolly would be the lead singer with Auds, Ryan and I as the back up singers and dancers, and she loved Ryan's "Greased Lighting" and we would sing and dance and LAUGH. I don't think we laugh like that anymore, life has become far to serious.
When I spoke to my Mom yesterday she said that they had been at the hospital and Aunty A had spent a long time holding my Dad's hand. That is because they were always good friends, between husbands and boyfriends, it was my dad who would accompany Aunty A to her work Christmas parties. My mom reminded me that she and my dad are married almost 50 years and so this is how long Avis and Daddy have been friends, friends because they had so many things in common, my dad loves singing and dancing and at 75 years old can still jive up a storm.
It's so hard to sit here and write about a life that has faded but as you all know I think death is only the beginning and several times this week when thinking about Aunty A I have felt her presence and smelt her cigarette smoke (and I know it's her because no one smokes in our home and it's winter so all the windows are closed). So in the spirit on Aunty A I have today embraced my talent and know that she is looking on and she is proud of me. Before I end I must just say that I had a dream about being in a car with all my Aunties, B' was driving, Ray in the front and A' and I in the back, don't ask me where we were going but damn we were having fun, racing down the road and laughing and laughing. There is no doubt that those sister are having a glorious time!
One thing that has to be said only because it is so obvious is that Aunty A' lived a life full of love, with everything that money cannot buy, she made wherever she stayed a HOME, everyone whoever met her were her FRIENDS, she gave so much of herself and yet never showed any resentment. She gave selflessly and loved honestly and she most certainly lived a life - worth living.
In love and light
Most of you know and have sent your wishes and condolences to the family of Avis Zock and even though I did send a message for the funeral there has been so much more to say. It is not like this is the first time I have lost a beloved Aunt, first Aunty B' and then Aunty Ray and while both of these fabulous women were very special and both taught me very different things about life, the one who was always there was Aunty A'.
Growing up it seems the only family that would "put up" with all us rowdy Dullisears' was Aunty A and Av and Auds and then of cause Kel.
They came to us and we went to them and it was Aunty A' who always encouraged us to pursue our talents, it was she who encouraged my sister to sing and it was she who spent hours upon hours sewing costumes for school plays. It was on her insistence that we had a Sunday afternoon floor show, Lolly would be the lead singer with Auds, Ryan and I as the back up singers and dancers, and she loved Ryan's "Greased Lighting" and we would sing and dance and LAUGH. I don't think we laugh like that anymore, life has become far to serious.
When I spoke to my Mom yesterday she said that they had been at the hospital and Aunty A had spent a long time holding my Dad's hand. That is because they were always good friends, between husbands and boyfriends, it was my dad who would accompany Aunty A to her work Christmas parties. My mom reminded me that she and my dad are married almost 50 years and so this is how long Avis and Daddy have been friends, friends because they had so many things in common, my dad loves singing and dancing and at 75 years old can still jive up a storm.
It's so hard to sit here and write about a life that has faded but as you all know I think death is only the beginning and several times this week when thinking about Aunty A I have felt her presence and smelt her cigarette smoke (and I know it's her because no one smokes in our home and it's winter so all the windows are closed). So in the spirit on Aunty A I have today embraced my talent and know that she is looking on and she is proud of me. Before I end I must just say that I had a dream about being in a car with all my Aunties, B' was driving, Ray in the front and A' and I in the back, don't ask me where we were going but damn we were having fun, racing down the road and laughing and laughing. There is no doubt that those sister are having a glorious time!
One thing that has to be said only because it is so obvious is that Aunty A' lived a life full of love, with everything that money cannot buy, she made wherever she stayed a HOME, everyone whoever met her were her FRIENDS, she gave so much of herself and yet never showed any resentment. She gave selflessly and loved honestly and she most certainly lived a life - worth living.
In love and light
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