Gosh I hadn't realised it had been so long since I felt like writing. Well school is out and I have been messing around with my new phone and playing scrabble on FB. It actually occurred to me this very minute (looking at my dismal stats) that a few short months ago I would have been Very upset by the fact that I have lost more games than I have won. I have always been a fierce competitor and while able to be held wholly accountable for lots of things, there are lots of things that over time have remained elusive. I am talking about things that I can't seem to control. Like my weight, I have always been big, eating is just something I do. I am a compulsive eater and often don't even realise that I have eaten something - so bad is the compulsion to stuff something in my mouth. Boredom is not an excuse because at my busiest I am still able to shove something in. Of course now that I have reached my forties (URG!) the health issues start. Blood pressure up and sugar levels up, and what's the cause - my weight! So now like it or not I have to loose a few kilograms.
Dieting for me is the hardest thing because just the word makes me feel somehow deprived. Although never gone hungry a day in my life, thank God! Will power is again something that has eluded me and if I am honest it all boils down to the fact that I am so afraid of failing at something, I'd rather not even give it a go. It could also be because every other time I have attempted to loose a few kilograms it has taken so much time and energy for results that are so short term that after a litte while I am all the way back up and over my original weight. You know when I think about myself it is never with a sense of any achievement. I often feel that I have failed to impress the people I love the most. My dad once said that "I carry my weight very well." This is one of the nicest things he has ever said. I took it as a compliment as I am sure that is how he meant it. I have never really let my weight stop me from trying things and often I have exceeded even my own expectations. Today I am asking why it's always so hard trying to break bad habits and so easy to form new ones?
